A typical day in the life of Max Delgado

1:00 AM: Good morning! My day typically begins somewhere around 1 or 2 am. It is at this point that I scream bloody murder for a diaper change and/or a midnight snack. I like to pee and eat. When I pee, I usually get it all over the place--my diaper, my clothes, my blanket, and sometimes if I am feeling very generous, even on the bassinet. I hate it when Mom changes my diaper. She just does it so slow! First, she puts some crap on my nasty umbilical cord (dad never does this, and I love him for it), and then she takes forever cleaning me. Mom is ridiculous because sometimes she puts the diaper on backwards and that ticks me off because then she has to fix it. By this time, I am really, really upset and very hungry. After this 45 minute diaper change, I am ready to eat. It takes me a long, long time to eat (30 minutes) because I am just a baby. Duh. While I am eating, Mom and Dad struggle to keep their eyes open. Usually it is Dad who feeds me at night and Mom (she's so ridiculous) either kisses me and rubs my head and legs. After I have eaten, I then enter a milk-induced coma.

4:00: OMG! OMG! I am soooooooooooooooooooo hungry! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody please feed me. I am fed and enter another milk-induced slumber.

5:00: Red alert! Red alert! I don't want to sleep! I want to be held! Somebody please hold me! Please, for the love of God! No, Dad! I don't want the freakin' pacifier! Just pick me up, you putz!

6:00: Wake up, you idiots! I just peed all over the place! Mom, you stay in bed because I would rather Dad change me this time! If I poo, Mom really grosses me out because she examines the poo. She takes the diaper and stares at it because of something like making sure the poo looks healthy. Just what does healthy poo look like, Mom?

7:00: Uh....hello....I am hungry again. Pancakes, please.

7:30: I don't want to sleep, you stupid parents. Let's stay awake. You don't want to sleep, do you?

8:30: I'm tired. Guess I'll sleep for a bit.

From around 8:30 or 9 in the morning or so, I usually sleep until around 2 or 3 pm, waking every 3 hours for a pee/poo and a feeding.

2:00 pm: This is my favorite time of the day. I am awake from 2-4 usually. Around this time, Mom reads to me. Yesterday we read "A day in the jungle." It was pretty lame, if you ask me. Now, nothing against Mom or anything, but Mom is pretty lame, too. I mean, I'm just a baby, and yet she tries to have "literary discussions" with me and she tries to teach me literary terms. I think I have learned about foreshadowing, character development, and plot development so far. After we read the book, Mom asks me to rate it on a scale of 1-10 and we then discuss it. Well, she discusses it and I just sit and roll my eyes at her.

3:00 pm: Dr. Phil! He is soooooooooooooooooo cool.

4:00 pm: Sometimes I stay awake for a bit of Oprah, but I am really not that interested in her.

For the rest of the night, I am fed and changed every time I alert my stupid parents. The big hairy creatures (Shelley, Pippi, and Lucy) really bug me--they are always sniffing me and trying to kiss me. How annoying.

11:00 pm: My day ends. I have been very busy and now I am tired. Life is rough.