And it's just one disappointment after another: Max's shortcomings

So, yesterday was Max's one month birthday. We celebrated by drinking 30 ounces of milk (throughout the day, of course, not at one sitting).

Anyhooooooooooooo, as with any milestone in a person's life, I began to reflect on what Max has accomplished so far in his life. Here are his accomplishments (if you can call them that):

-He can lift his head at least 45 degrees. More like 60-70 degrees.
-He smiles when you play with his cheeks and belly.
-He can respond to a bell (by quieting).
-He can focus on a face.

Certainly these are wonderful accomplishments for the AVERAGE one month old (I think the head lifting and bell quieting are 3 month old accomplishments), but Brandon and I had FAR greater hopes for Max than AVERAGE. At one month old, we had expected our son to.......

-Sweep the floors and earn his keep around the house.
-Perform simple mathematical equations.
-Speak 3 word sentences (preferably with at least one two-syllable word in them).
-Wipe his own butt.
-Hold his own bottle.
-Burp himself. Hell, my dogs can do that.
-Bathe himself.
-Dress himself.
-Put himself to sleep.
-Know how to say HELLO and GOODBYE in at least 3 different languages.
-Count to 10 in English, Spanish, and Latin.

Both Brandon and I agree that the aforementioned items are all VERY BASIC accomplishments. Because of his failure to accomplish any of the items on the above list, Max is going to boot camp.