I've always heard that when you have a baby, you lose a part of yourself--that mothers (and I guess fathers, too) sometimes forget who they are because they are so focused on their child. I must admit that I was afraid of losing some of my identity once I had Max--I was afraid that I would cease being the unique individual that is me and simply become "Mom."
I've lost bits of myself over the years. There's pieces of me scattered from California to Lebanon to Kirksville to Austin to Mexico to St. Louis. I've lost important parts of myself that I didn't even realize I had lost before I moved on to the next place.
And while I am now known as "Mom" (or, as Max affectionately calls me in his little flat head, "old bag"), I think I have rediscovered the pieces of myself that I had lost a long, long time ago.
I now know what I lost, and Max has helped me find them.
A long, long time ago, I was a writer. My parents know this, my husband knows this, old friends know this. For some reason I ceased being a writer during my sophomore year in college. I don't know why.
Actually, I do.
I think it's because starting then, writing became a chore for me. I loved my creative writing classes my freshman year and wrote some pretty good stuff, but after that class, all of my other writings were simply academic and boring. I had to write 20 pages interpreting Chopin's "Awakening" from a Buddhist perspective (which, by the way, earned me an A). I had to write a 30 pages English major thesis examining cannibalism in the "Thyestes." I got sick of writing and just quit.
But now that I have Max, I think I have rediscovered just how much I miss it and just how important it was to my being. I have more reasons to write now.
I want to write now.
And I think I know myself better now than I ever have before. For some reason, Max has made me think about who I am and reexamine what I want to be because I know that who I am will influence who he will eventually become.
I'm all of 28 years old and I think I have reached a moment of clarity. I know that there is so much more I have yet to discover about myself and my world, but I do know that Max has made me feel like I have found what I think I lost sight of a long, long time ago.
I guess I never realized that I missed myself until Max came along.
2 comments:
Maybe you were just waiting for someone that you loved to make you want to write again, not that you don't love Brad. [ do you think people wonder why I call him Brad?] I have completely enjoyed the blogs. I have cried and have laughed until I cried. Someday I would like to see a blog about your mechanical skill, such as the can opener.
Well, I was moved by your comments. I was hoping to beat your Mom to responding. Your Mom and I know and remember your talents and weaknesses. We are always proud of you and your sisters.
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